How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
