Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
