I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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