I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
