I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
