i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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