My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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