I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a kid would responsible me up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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