Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard