My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I intend to get homeless drunk
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.