you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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