as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
