I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
