Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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