I'm jealous of your bromance
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
