If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
