I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
