They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Boobs speak an international language.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
COCAINE IS GR8
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
