She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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