He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
