did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
