took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
