My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
