i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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