Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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