if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
