I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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