I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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