I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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