WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
