he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
