my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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