Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
