My first STD was from a foam party
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
