They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
