she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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