Soap is not a condiment
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
