My friends, they love my intelligence
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
