just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
