If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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