I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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