Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
