I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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