Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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