Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
