I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
