I think scott just propositioned me for sex
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
