after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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