Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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