He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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