I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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