I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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