just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
