Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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