Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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