Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
